From what I had known through most of my childhood and prior adult life... - well- that having people around me just meant...that I'd be mostly left too frightened, shaken, bruised and broken....and in that chaos of a life I'd known before... now all in a distant past ...from which I'd finally and unbelievably escaped...I had been all but still lost in it's aftermath.....trying to recollect....ME....though still unable to hear myself let aside know or recognize who I was meant to be....initially I mean...because thank goodness I was quickly gathering up...pieces of me...sorting it out...and watching in awe as it bound back together....to create sort of this grand masterpiece of artwork which I now know that I am.
Six years ago-when I finally found myself alone I rejoiced. I immediately fell in love with the quiet, the peace and the emptiness that came with loneliness. I couldn't begin to understand why anybody would seek out romantic partners or people in general to share their spaces or lives with. I loved the safety and tranquility of my isolation. I loved all the small details....like knowing my home was not my prison but a place to rest myself in....or that it would await neatly in the state I'd last seen it in when I returned from a long day at work....or that my bed and sheets were there just for me and no enemy to share it with....or that I could go anywhere without rhyme or reason...no justification needed anymore for my breathing or for my being.....and I was suddenly aware that I was taking ownership of... and awakening to.... myself... and the direction of my path...and...WOW! CHOICES!! What a concept- that!
I could pick the clothing I'd want to cover my own body with ...or buy things to decorate my living spaces with to somehow fit me..?...AH! And the endless idea of options...I could choose colors, textures for clothes or for home decor as I wish....I could finally stop to learn about what does or does not please me....and I could choose what should or shouldn't bombard my senses -whether a movie, a TV show, music or books to read...I could choose and not apologize for any of it...I could learn once again about what themes I could be drawn towards... or even what food I'd really like to eat....OH WOW! Choices....they helped so much...now I understand...not only to get what I want or not...but just to get to me! To learn who I am...to learn what works for me and what doesn't...they helped to define me! Concept!! Go figure!! & YUP! These are things I'll never take for granted- EVER....AND YET....I'm about to learn that all these little luxuries even are actually over-rated. Really!!? GEEZ!!!
Yes in the past six years- bit by bit- I emerged...(much like a fetus from a dark womb...not a comforting kind....but a deafeningly dark, painfully restrictive and deathly suffocating kind...Umm...well it's just one way I can describe a past I still dread)....I emerged...as in I started to recognize pieces of me...from some distant past where perhaps I didn't start off so broken and scattered...? - Yeah this has to sound odd I'm sure.....Yet all that to say it's been quite a journey all around. HA!! I have truly come to love life! What an incredible ride it's been- for sure!!
AH! The crazy thing too is that in finding myself...I also learned or maybe relearned...to love all the strangers that I encounter...whether on the job or via hiking....my favorite obsession through these evolutionary years of my life...I was definitely drawing in people who were teaching me to love and respect one and all...near and far....teaching me to accept and be grateful for everything and everyone.
As I've been discovering me and what really matters to me I've been sharing my lessons and thoughts on this blog in real time...some so simplistic I imagine for most people...but still big eureka moments for my late blooming soul here....and now I imagine there is going to be a shift again in my learning.
Six weeks ago- I met my soul-mate- the love of my life! From the moment I met him- everything changed....and all the lessons I've learned in the last six years....I now seem to get from a whole new perspective again....It's like he sheds light in all the places I didn't even know were dark. WOW!!
Suddenly loneliness is far from desirable! From the moment I met him I redefined what it means to not be lonely....and I am suddenly very aware of every moment spent apart from him and the tranquility of loneliness no longer holds any charm in my world....suddenly I understand how I never want to be without what I now feel with him and for him. I no longer want my living spaces to look the way I left them but I want to return to it knowing it's been touched by his warmth, his loving and welcoming presence....I want a world where I'm never alone again...but in harmony....and in love as I am now with this amazing soul...in a beautiful world filled with endless magic. Today- I am already forever grateful and changed. For my tomorrows I pray with all my might that he's always by my side to share this incredible path together.
Suddenly loneliness is far from desirable! From the moment I met him I redefined what it means to not be lonely....and I am suddenly very aware of every moment spent apart from him and the tranquility of loneliness no longer holds any charm in my world....suddenly I understand how I never want to be without what I now feel with him and for him. I no longer want my living spaces to look the way I left them but I want to return to it knowing it's been touched by his warmth, his loving and welcoming presence....I want a world where I'm never alone again...but in harmony....and in love as I am now with this amazing soul...in a beautiful world filled with endless magic. Today- I am already forever grateful and changed. For my tomorrows I pray with all my might that he's always by my side to share this incredible path together.
As always I pray also that each soul out there finds their love and their bliss too. XO
I'm a believer! When the right person holds your hand....you know right away that it's the only place you ever need to get to and dwell in for the rest of time.
NAMASTE -LOVE, PEACE & LIGHT TO ALL!!!
