Friday, December 8, 2017

The Universe Speaks!

The Universe Speaks to us!!

It really does!! Some days the Universe speaks in subtle ways! Other days, subtle is definitely not on its agenda! How about a message written across on a twelve foot orange wall presented in a perfectly and profoundly timed moment for example? Would you say that’s subtle? I wouldn’t!

So today- one domino experience led to another and then I started to have a moment! What was I feeling? I stopped to acknowledge it, quickly recognizing what was creeping up inside of me, an emotion so familiar and nostalgic yet so distant it felt foreign because it’s not one I allow myself to indulge in easily at this stage of life especially. Dare I name it? Was it really a dose of- ‘Self-Pity’!!? YIKES!!

Was I about to be hit by a case of the downers? I tried to quickly shake off these unwelcome thoughts and emotions inside. Detour to important and positive facts of life- I have David now, the love of my life, and I’m no longer alone, I remind myself; I have a lot to be grateful for and I start to go through my mental happy list.


Yet as if there was a hole getting drilled inside the flood gates of my fears, I find current and past memories starting to rush in simultaneously too, endless experiences of always being the outsider, of trying so hard to belong and the unpleasantness and pain of being rejected much too often through the years. For a moment I find myself slipping and wishing I could just be one of ‘them’- the easily accepted members of the many tribes around me.

No! Stop! Let it go! I start to shake it off and force my thoughts back into the present moment, as I am heading off to a meeting with a new client in an unfamiliar location; I need to focus on the tasks at hand. I need to clear my head, pick up my energy and take on a better attitude and I need to do it fast! I pull out my go-to daily mantras: ‘Life is good! I have so much to be grateful for!’ Then I take in a very deep breath to clear my head. 


The elevator doors open and with new resolve, I am ready. I pick up my chin. In front of me to my surprise, there is a letter. I step out of the elevator towards it, more like stumble out to face right up to it- this enormous letter. It feels important already so I stare at it dumb folded and in awe! After all the Universe is always speaking to us.

Now here I am standing in front of a twelve foot wall with this message shouting out to me, on a glaring orange backdrop to boot- commanding for me to stop and give it my full attention. I do just that. Slowly and carefully I read it!! 



I'm blown away! The Universe speaks sometimes subtly and other times, far from it!!

What more can I ask for? It’s just short of Disney’s fireworks to follow, because I can feel the music from it inside me and it makes me smile. Of course I half expected Tinkerbell to pop right out of the wall. No that didn’t happen but I’m no less blown away! And Ok- not all of us who are different need to achieve or leave behind the legacy of Steve Jobs because that’s hardly the point! To my heart- these words and this experience speaks volumes.

So anyways- who’s to say, who is the tribe and who is the outsider- after all right?

All I know for sure is that we all have purpose and that we all fit exactly where we are, one way or another.

Thank you Universe! I am humbled! I am honored!

Life is good! & I am grateful! <3  




Thursday, November 30, 2017

Over the Hill

Another birthday! Another Thanksgiving!

Birthdays are always a great time for reflections. So this time I stop to contemplate how much life has changed over the last decade, specifically from 2007 to 2017! I may as well have died and been reborn  because the differences are nothing short of a miracle and fittingly the transformations were triggered and timed from the passing of my mother.

Ten years ago, in my 30’s, I can honestly say I believed life was about as over the hill as possible.

By 2008, I’d been in physical-therapy for three years without improvements. I stopped running because my knees got injured. I quit weight training because I pulled something in my vertebrae. I gave up on swimming lessons because I tore the tendons in my arms’ joints. Geez! I was physically falling apart!

Being a workaholic through most of my adult life, my sense of self was deeply entangled with my career. In my late 20’s, I'd already climbed up the corporate ladder, working as an executive at a reputable organization; but in my 30s, when I moved to Quebec, Canada, from the US, for my then husband’s job, my career was compromised. Due to the language barrier mainly, with French being the official language (which I didn’t speak), I had to step back and restart that climb. Grrr!!

My biggest frustration, however, was that I was feeling trapped and suffocated inside my loveless marriage. I desperately wanted out but unfortunately believed there was no escape from it.  

Nothing felt ‘on track’! The winters were long, bitter and dark and then the language and politics of Quebec was even impacting my four year old son’s life negatively; he was getting bullied in school for not being a Francophone native. URGH!

2008 December- Things turn with the sudden and unexpected passing of my mother. I got jolted awake to reality check time!

2009- I quit my job. I moved back to the US. I got divorced. I finally started learning to live life on my terms and without excuses. Everything healed- my body, my heart and my spirit. I was rewarded further- with many fun adventures and with meeting inspirational people at every step.

Initially I struggled with how this impacted my kid but I could see that he too was doing better soon enough. I realized that if I don’t pick up my own pieces, then in the long run, my kid would have to.

2013- I started this blog to share my ongoing lessons in life as I awakened to the many simple truths which have led me to the life I live and love.

2016- just when I thought I couldn’t wish for more, I went on to meet and marry the love of my life. In fact, every year over the last decade, has delivered exponentially, grander blessings than the ones prior. I continue to be in awe of my journey, not only the present but no longer regretting my past either.

So here are my thoughts about that outdated idea of life perceived as a single strenuous climb uphill, to a fickle peak, followed by a stumble down a mundane path thereafter….THAT’S HUMBUG!!

Life is, in fact, a series of endless possibilities; It has not one but many hills and mountains, several valleys, rivers, peaks and summits; and every step of our journey is miraculously leading up to more inexplicable and profound new adventures. So gear up! Fill your backpack with your greatest dreams and hopes! Do not get stagnant on your path!

When you think you’re over the hill, know that as long as you live, your options are limitless. Trek as many hills as you wish, until you find what your heart desires. Know that the map is inside you. Unlock it! Your life’s journey is a gift! Choose to explore it until you absolutely love where it takes you!

Bon Voyage! 



Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Be a fool!!



Today"s affirmation! Trust!!
So I’ve been pondering over skepticism and cynicism a lot lately. Perhaps because I have a thirteen year old kid who strives for these attributes...except it doesn’t stop with the teen; I find that as a culture we are drawn towards this state of mind.

And why not!! After all skepticism- in its purest sense- is not about creating doubt or negativity but really about keeping an open mind and evaluating all data gathered; so it’s about seeking the truth without preconceived notions- i.e. as a concept- Skepticism= COOL!!- Right?

However, ‘cynicism’ on the other hand is simply defined as a ‘general distrust of other’s motives’- so is anyone else left wondering how this became a cool way to view life too? At what point in our culture-did this become the status quo attitude to strive for? 

Anyway I'm wondering if skepticism is highly valued because it keeps us from buying into things people sell us that we don’t need. In which case- cynicism may have easily resulted from having to be so darned skeptical of way too many things so ridiculously often- No?

But here’s the thing! At what price!? Is cynicism and skepticism really the answer to our prayers to living a healthier and happier life though? You can guess that I don’t buy that. Also it comes as no surprise to me that in 2014 studies showed a direct link between ‘cynical distrust’ and ‘dementia’ or that other related studies since have continued to show strong correlations between cynicism and depression. So again -why do we choose to be overly skeptical or cynical when it’s just as, if not much easier, to try to see the best in everything- to hold our faith in the world and the people around us? Sure- they may let us down- sometimes…or …maybe too many times…but so what!? We're strong enough to survive it!

Clearly choosing a positive outlook leads to a healthier and happier existence all around. So keep the faith! It's simple! When it works it works! 'Be a fool!' Believe!!!

Choose Idealism!! Choose Optimism! 
Heck create your own new 'ism' BUT- F#@udge Cynicism!!

NAMASTE!!

Go Steve!!! <3



Thursday, January 12, 2017

Que Sera, Sera!!


Today as I ponder over my years, understanding that every phase of my life had purpose in its madness, l deeply appreciate also that, every stage introduced fascinating souls onto my path- special people who offered love, support, wisdom, guidance and/or some ridiculously profound lesson, helping me to grow stronger, bolder or wiser and to discover the light within and around me at every step.

So of course the hardest part of change has always been in letting go of the people I meet along the way. Most of the people I’ve loved and been separated from over the years had to do with moving countries. Also growing up in the UAE where over 90% of the population is comprised of expats, even as a child, I experienced people constantly coming and going so I decided already that life was staged at some grand airport where all relationships were seemingly built in transit zones.

Fast forward to the rest of my life and I’m left wondering if it’s easier to separate due to physical distance like that where people eventually just grow apart in time or is it better when relationships end locally more organically, where for whatever reason people reach some sharp crossroad with neon signs from the universe saying- ‘ok-you guys- now it’s time for you to go your separate ways’.

Well goodbyes are never fun regardless and over the years parts of my soul turned numb as if in perpetual preparation for these inevitable farewells. In fact I’ve made active efforts through all my years to avoid getting too attached to people, places or things.

So when I fell in love a few months ago I felt like a fish out of water gasping for air (‘love trauma’ is how my other half describes this. Lol!). I’ve been working through it, allowing all my fears to just engulf me. How could I possibly continue to maintain numbness inside towards the most familiar and irresistible stranger I’ve ever met- one who has his heart strings intricately intertwined with mine from the very start!!? Illogical as it is I realized I needed to allow myself to want and believe that he’s here to stay with me forever! No geographical or any other splits allowed! Though nobody knows what tomorrow will bring- for today I breathe better not fighting this.

Ironically as my great love entered into my life I found that instantly and unexpectedly it also transformed several of my existing relationships with friends somehow. Some friends and family responded by rejoicing in my bliss, while others either quietly or not so quietly (i.e. by throwing irrational tantrums consciously or subconsciously) started swiftly bowing out and away, creating a gulf between us and leaving me behind without explanations. So in my grandest phase of life- I am also left surprisingly with some feelings of loss….and as I wonder why…I also know…life is good & I’m in love, in awe and grateful!

Sometimes we win some and lose some- but the truth is that we always win more and lose less!

Que sera, sera!!
If nothing ever changed then there would be no butterflies!



Friday, January 6, 2017

Honoring & Reflecting on 2016 - The year I met my true love!

2016 turned out to be the most important year of my life! – The one I have waited for through all of time, whether knowingly or unknowingly. Yet when I stopped to reflect upon the events over the last twelve months I was surprised to find that unlike my previous years, since starting this blog, 2016 was actually a quiet and solitary experience for me.
I pondered over this and remembered that it was quite a whirlwind of a year from the start. I couldn’t help but feel like I was swimming solo against strong currents almost the entire time. How do I explain this!? Let’s see-it began with an announcement of a major re-org at my new job that left my primitive brain convinced it was in mortal danger. 

January also started off with my ex-husband traveling overseas and leaving my son with me full time (versus our normal 50/50 shared custody arrangement). My kid doesn't share my passion for outdoors...Yet. It didn’t help also that my foot problems persisted through the year, keeping me from my usual go-to hobbies from precious hikes in the forest, to yoga or other outdoor adventures and separating me from my busy and athletic groups of friends locally as a result.

Also my lovely soul sister (Basak) who lives abroad finally found her true love and became wonderfully distracted-(Thank God! It’s a beautiful thing indeed!)-leaving me with more time to myself than seemed wholesome somehow. Lol.

Interestingly enough Basak kept insisting that all these events of the year were by divine intervention to force me to slow down long enough to allow my soul mate to enter my world. She’s such a romantic! She authors a blog on true love stories but who knew that she is also a love psychic! Go figure!

Between January and August, my solitude state of being continued. However I definitely felt myself also soul searching and growing so I remained aware that I was exactly where I needed to be every step of the way. I decided in April, however, that my spirit was in dire need of energy recharging, so I booked myself a quiet retreat at some off-the-beaten path little resort in a small village in Jamaica.

I never made it to Jamaica! I missed that flight! Crazy story! At first I felt discouraged to say the least but you see- I had sent out letters to previous travelers for advice on this retreat but hadn’t heard back. Then the same day after missing my flight, two of these strangers finally wrote back- coincidentally (!!?) and shared some hair-raising horrific tales about their experiences, leaving no doubt that the universe had me blessed and protected. By not going I had literally dodged a bullet apparently!

In May, I decided to make another effort to treat myself to a solo vacation and this time I stumbled upon the most magical place. It’s a quiet yoga retreat nestled in the mountains of Puerto Vallarta in the west coast of Mexico and is only accessible by boat. It has the perfect blend of ruggedness and luxuriousness- so off I went, leaving this world behind for undoubtedly that vacation was set in another realm. I had the most spiritual experiences there and met some pretty amazing people along the way.

When I returned from that vacation to my increasingly solitary and workaholic-oriented state of living again where time seemed to be rushing a million miles a minute in a state of oblivion I couldn’t help but decide that I absolutely needed to go back on vacation ASAP. So I did the only rational thing- following my heart- I booked a return trip for November and anxiously counted down the months to return to Puerto Vallarta. Little did I know that the second trip was not going to be a solo one at all!

In the third week of August things finally started to settle down again. My new job started to feel a bit more secure and the sense of the roller-coaster ride finally slowed down and I sensed one chapter closing even as I already suspected a new one coming. I wasn't sure what it was but I felt ready.

Then last week of August a friend convinced me to join a dating site. So I joined Match.com and went on my first date where I met the most fascinating and irresistible man on the planet for me! 

For the first time in my life- I experienced love at first sight and right away it was clear that every right and wrong step I’d ever taken in my life was meant to bring me to this man. We instantly fell into a trance together so it’s not surprising that I invited him to join me on my retreat after our very first date or that he signed up and came along as if he also understood it was destined. Our trip in November was the best vacation of my life! Then again every moment since his arrival is just as magical!

My solo trip to PVR in May



My return trip to PVR in November with the love of my life


CHEERS TO FINDING TRUE LOVE!!

My soul is convinced it’s known this man on some innately intimate level through all of time....and why not!? Since our meeting on August 31st....he held my hand and led me through the wooded cupboard portal doors of Narnia....carrying me off into mythical lands ....OK....guess what I'm trying to say is that it's been another kind of whirlwind since - one filled with unicorns and shooting stars...and well...it feels like it's all crazy but totally real too anyway- and here we are! YAY!! GRATEFUL & IN LOVE!! 

Thank you Universe! 

Thank you 2016!! Welcome 2017!!! 

I LOVE YOU DAVID!! :-)

{Our dates and experiences are documented from both our perspectives on:

In April- I’d appropriately noted on FB:
‘Some days you have agenda; And other days agenda has you!’
-And I have to say- Thank God for it!!








Sunday, October 9, 2016

Six years & six weeks- to redefining loneliness!


In the last six years I had come to intensely guard and appreciate my feelings of loneliness. After all I had sacrificed way too much through way too many years to get here. If loneliness was an undesirable emotion - - HA! Everything is relative....and ignorance is a state of bliss. So how could anyone convince me otherwise?

From what I had known through most of my childhood and prior adult life... - well- that having people around me just meant...that I'd be mostly left too frightened, shaken, bruised and broken....and in that chaos of a life I'd known before... now all in a distant past ...from which I'd finally and unbelievably escaped...I had been all but still lost in it's aftermath.....trying to recollect....ME....though still unable to hear myself let aside know or recognize who I was meant to be....initially I mean...because thank goodness I was quickly gathering up...pieces of me...sorting it out...and watching in awe as it bound back together....to create sort of this grand masterpiece of artwork which I now know that I am. 

Six years ago-when I finally found myself alone I rejoiced. I immediately fell in love with the quiet, the peace and the emptiness that came with loneliness. I couldn't begin to understand why anybody would seek out romantic partners or people in general to share their spaces or lives with. I loved the safety and tranquility of my isolation. I loved all the small details....like knowing my home was not my prison but a place to rest myself in....or that it would await neatly in the state I'd last seen it in when I returned from a long day at work....or that my bed and sheets were there just for me and no enemy to share it with....or that I could go anywhere without rhyme or reason...no justification needed anymore for my breathing or for my being.....and I was suddenly aware that I was taking ownership of... and awakening to.... myself... and the direction of my path...and...WOW! CHOICES!! What a concept- that! 

I could pick the clothing I'd want to cover my own body with ...or buy things to decorate my living spaces with to somehow fit me..?...AH! And the endless idea of options...I could choose colors, textures for clothes or for home decor as I wish....I could finally stop to learn about what does or does not please me....and I could choose what should or shouldn't bombard my senses -whether a movie, a TV show, music or books to read...I could choose and not apologize for any of it...I could learn once again about what themes I could be drawn towards... or even what food I'd really like to eat....OH WOW! Choices....they helped so much...now I understand...not only to get what I want or not...but just to get to me! To learn who I am...to learn what works for me and what doesn't...they helped to define me! Concept!! Go figure!! & YUP! These are things I'll never take for granted- EVER....AND YET....I'm about to learn that all these little luxuries even are actually over-rated. Really!!? GEEZ!!!

Yes in the past six years- bit by bit- I emerged...(much like a fetus from a dark womb...not a comforting kind....but a deafeningly dark, painfully restrictive and deathly suffocating kind...Umm...well it's just one way I can describe a past I still dread)....I emerged...as in I started to recognize pieces of me...from some distant past where perhaps I didn't start off so broken and scattered...? - Yeah this has to sound odd I'm sure.....Yet all that to say it's been quite a journey all around. HA!! I have truly come to love life! What an incredible ride it's been- for sure!!

AH! The crazy thing too is that in finding myself...I also learned or maybe relearned...to love all the strangers that I encounter...whether on the job or via hiking....my favorite obsession through these evolutionary years of my life...I was definitely drawing in people who were teaching me to love and respect one and all...near and far....teaching me to accept and be grateful for everything and everyone.

As I've been discovering me and what really matters to me I've been sharing my lessons and thoughts on this blog in real time...some so simplistic I imagine for most people...but still big eureka moments for my late blooming soul here....and now I imagine there is going to be a shift again in my learning.

Six weeks ago- I met my soul-mate- the love of my life! From the moment I met him- everything changed....and all the lessons I've learned in the last six years....I now seem to get from a whole new perspective again....It's like he sheds light in all the places I didn't even know were dark. WOW!!


Suddenly loneliness is far from desirable! From the moment I met him I redefined what it means to not be lonely....and I am suddenly very aware of every moment spent apart from him and the tranquility of loneliness no longer holds any charm in my world....suddenly I understand how I never want to be without what I now feel with him and for him. I no longer want my living spaces to look the way I left them but I want to return to it knowing it's been touched by his warmth, his loving and welcoming presence....I want a world where I'm never alone again...but in harmony....and in love as I am now with this amazing soul...in a beautiful world filled with endless magic. Today- I am already forever grateful and changed. For my tomorrows I pray with all my might that he's always by my side to share this incredible path together.




As always I pray also that each soul out there finds their love and their bliss too. XO




I'm a believer! When the right person holds your hand....you know right away that it's the only place you ever need to get to and dwell in for the rest of time.  

NAMASTE -LOVE, PEACE & LIGHT TO ALL!!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Love happens in a flash!

Yes- I am in love...and this is a blog post update!!


My best friend always said that 'love happens in a flash!' - in a sudden turn and twist of fate...usually when least expected. I liked that idea but honestly it's the one thing I'd given up believing in...or to be more truthful...deeply within myself...I actually never believed it would ever happen to me in this lifetime. 

There were a few men I had desired over the years but never one that was actually available to me....and yes strategically I was always aware that I subconsciously chose this as the pattern for my experiences in love. 

So at 42...the magic number....it finally happened...most unexpectedly....or perhaps...actually this time because I was ready...and just as importantly...so was he...my one true soul mate....as I am beyond convinced that I've been patiently and anxiously waiting for him all along....because it had to be him!

Then I found something I wrote on this blog a little over a year ago...an epiphany I'd had at the time...about life and love (http://butterfly-muse.blogspot.com/2015_02_01_archive.html)- and turns out I was right on!! 

Love and life- were never meant to be as challenging as many of us land up experiencing it as.....it's just supposed to be splendidly simple and incredibly AWESOME!! Thank Goodness I get this now- FINALLY! It's all a grand gift and one day we all get to come to terms with the beauty of it all. I think I finally get the meaning of life and love. Never thought I'd get to say that! LOL!! I feel blessed. I also feel deeply- madly- happily in love. Thank you intricate and magical Universe for it ALL!! 

BTW- I also know now that each of us are equally blessed and will realize this in our own time and place...so until then- JUST BREATHE! LIVE-LOVE-LIFE!! STAY INSPIRED!! 

P.S. If you want to learn more about my other half...here is a blog he started jointly where we take turns to write about our meeting and our falling in love....sharing in harmony...as is the purpose of true love and we pray that everyone out there finds their bliss too. www.butterfliesonthewing.wordpress.com

NAMASTE!! LOVE & PEACE TO ALL!! <3 

YES- I BELIEVE IN SOUL MATES & IN TRUE LOVE!!! <3