Self-Acceptance!

Self-Acceptance! Sharing the most recent inspiration from my personal journey, hoping it helps someone else find themselves on their path too.

This one came at me like an unexpected storm on a bright sunny day! Totally catching me off guard!

You see- I pride myself...for better or worse....on being an open book....awkwardly so. Yet recently I realized that if you don't whole-heartedly accept who you truly are then how authentic can you really be!? Right!? BOOM! This was a huge realization for me!! 

BTW- What all goes into self-acceptance!? Is it related to self-love? Self-worth? Liking who you are as a person? About accepting your unique personality quirks? Is it about being gentle with your physical imperfections when looking into the mirror? Or is there more to it!? Geez! Until just a few days ago...I may have blabbered off responses theoretically but honestly what any of this really felt like...I couldn't possibly explain. So what if...deep down it has to do more with giving yourself permission to just be you...to not lose yourself in trying too hard to fit in someplace or with some person or people?....What if....it had to do with not pushing yourself to meet some idea of what you believe others need you to be.?....What if...it means...realizing that being different from others doesn't automatically mean you are wrong or any less valuable?... What if...it means...you need to get out of your own head....to begin to define 'you' for yourself!? Some people get here a lot sooner...but for others it's a life long process. For me...? Given a history of getting rejected by or separated from my loved ones through the years makes it trickier. 

So let me backtrack here...a few months ago I started a new job....with cool folks I really admire....so naturally I was all the more eager to please and fit in...BUT...I was trying too hard! Through a series of experiences however it started to catch up with me. I  made myself exhausted!!....You see- I got tired of trying to figure out what others wanted me to be and even tired of playing along my own ultra lame 'trying-to-be-non-intrusive' chameleon act....I even started to feel rather broken...Then again...I guess figuratively speaking I've been breaking off pieces of me inside constantly via endless efforts to not offend or intrude...as has always been my nature (...it turns out)...to conform, to change...and aim to please.

Well...just around now....in a perfectly timed vulnerable moment an intuitive new friend and colleague philosophically called me out on it- posing the question- 'So who is Anita?'- It had been one of those days...weeks!! I was feeling so run down!... Hmmm...like the Eminem song - 'Will the real slim shady please stand up!?'--YIKES!! I couldn't answer... let aside stand up!?  :-/

That was a Friday evening. When I finally got home I did something unconventional...for me...I drank an entire bottle of wine....(Yumm...but)...alone....and my night then got more interesting. A friend from three decades of separation reached out saying some kids from my past (now grown-ups obviously) were asking about me out of nowhere....so they added me to a mass-group-chat. I was separated from these kids over thirty years ago from India so most of us didn't remember each other. Group messages started avalanching in saying-'So who is Anita?'- Bizarre!! Kid-You-Not!! The Timing!!! It was obviously the theme of the day my drunken head rightfully registered! 'Anita!? Was she shy? Was she loud? Was she tall? Was she short? What was she like?' -The questions continued. What's more.....people started to post old black and white group photos asking 'where is she in these photos?'- WOW!!! Now vivid memories of a forgotten past in India started to emerge into my intoxicated head. It felt kinda surreal...just as there was a spark of recognition too I guess...as someone said 'Anita! Of course! The Math Genius!'- Wait!! I will stop here and detour again! 

You see -this made the very drunken grown up Anita start sobbing. It struck a chord! It touched upon some rather deep rooted issues...from that forgotten little ghost like Anita. Backtracking again- now let me explain- all through the years I had a very complex relationship with Math. Since early childhood I could  create new formulas that were not printed in any of the text books which baffled teachers and professors alike through school and university. I always effortlessly scored 100% in the subject...which is fantastic stuff right? Nope! It caused me much agony! My initial issues with it were minor like the more studious kids seemed resentful of my getting the top grades especially so easily so I felt badly about it...It did seem unfair! Then I struggled as some of my dearest loved ones so obviously and stubbornly dismissed all my grades and awards in it. My deepest issues however arose when I moved to the Middle East where it was really scorned upon by my new family for a girl to display intelligence in any way- especially in Math. This was when I officially decided to dummy myself down to appease the family. I was maybe ten back then. Years later when I moved to the US- even here in the land of dreams- I unfortunately found myself gravitating towards people....guys....with similar notions...that a girl shouldn't be good at Math. Done!

The 'Math genius' was then all but forgotten over the years....until here, out of nowhere, from my past.. on this night....when the first thing someone remembered about me again! 'Who is Anita!!?' HA! God-or-The Universe...has fantastic sense of humor and excellent sense of timing...Yup! I believe this! LOL!! It hit a chord for sure!!!

The crazy thing was that out of this I received my greatest inspirational message of the year! The answer I was finally ready to learn! It was suddenly so clear- even to my intoxicated head ....how the little Anita and the grown-up Anita still had a lot in common. I could see now how this deeply rooted need in me to please others and to quickly disown any or all of my core qualities in my efforts to be non-offensive or non-invasive...had actually landed me in many unhealthy relationships and bad situations over the years....and had eventually left me way too lost and broken to even know my true self....let aside to accept it. YIKES again!!!  

Self Acceptance! Sounds simple....but takes effort. That same night I also received a call from an ex. He wanted me to know how in his own odd ways maybe I was never rejected by him after all. That oddly themed energy flowed into the remainder of that weekend too. I landed up in a Kundalini intro-workshop where the messages again resonated crystal clear- Self-Acceptance!

(The kicker of all this was seeing that in allowing myself to be me....in the end...that was the key to making others also more comfortable with me. Go Figure!!).

Life is a blessing! Learning to live life inspired...that's my motto! When I come upon lessons this poignant...I'm inspired to share. After having spent most of my life in some bubble after another....I've finally learned the importance of being present....to enjoy the time gifted to me. I realize now that in the last five years I  have grown tremendously from finding my freedom and myself....to now learning also to accept and honor whom I am discovering within me. Grateful to the universe for it's fun and crafty teachings.

Thank you for reading and I hope this leaves you honestly answering for yourself similar reflective questions-'Who am I? Am I ok with being me? Can I find that harmonious balance...between being the best me without compromising all or most of me to get there?' 

As for me- my current mantra is (Feel free to use it!):

I promise daily to work on being true to the essence of me and honoring what I find within me! 

Wishing you the same! 

NAMASTE!! LOVE & PEACE!! 

FIND YOUR BLISS!! XO <3