GOODBYE 2018! Lesson Learned- Do NOT feed the bullies!!

I want to write about what I learned this last year about dealing with bullies, more specifically about how I finally learned what in me brings out the bully in some people.

My breakdown:

• Step one is to recognize the bully and their behavioral patterns
• Step two is to figure out what you are doing to inflame or feed the bully
• Step three is to find peace in how you handle it, i.e. there are options

OK! So right about now my fifteen-year old son interrupted me to ask:

‘So Mom- what are you doing?’

 ‘I’m writing about how to deal with bullies.’

He says:

‘What!? Why? You should not be writing about that. You get bullied ALL the time; you are the worst person to write about it.’ 

(Grrrr….)

I tell him:

‘But Hunny! That is exactly why I’m the right person to write about this since I finally learned how to not get bullied’

He says: 

‘But did they not teach you this stuff in school? Everyone in my school knows this already.’

The teen’s advice breaks down as follows:

• Don’t feed into it when they bait you with insults. Walk away.
• Show no emotion or reaction. Don’t take it personally.
• Avoid them. Their opinion is just that - an opinion.
• If it gets too much, tell your teacher, or in your case, tell their superior.

Alright! So my kid stole my thunder here but he’s right! 

Well - so no - nobody taught me this stuff growing up! Bullying was part and parcel of my daily life and not at school but at home, from family members.

Anyway earlier this summer I had my Aha! moment when I realized that I was dealing with a bully. Putting a label on this person's behaviors became a grand revelation in itself. I got so excited upon figuring this out that I went on to immediately phone my husband to share the big news. I was so proud of myself for this Eureka moment, although he didn’t seem to appreciate the significance of it - at least not right away. 

For me it was like figuring out pieces of a formula that I had been struggling with for years. Once I identified the situation, I was able to immediately formulate solutions to handle it better.

So here and now as a strong and capable adult – the next logical step was to figure out the other half of that equation- ‘what about me sets it off in this person?’ It didn’t take me long to connect the dots and understand that it was my demeanor. I was reacting to my bully, wanting to please, wanting to do anything just to make them stop. Dare I even admit that I was reacting out of fear?  That I often feel a need to appease?  I was.

Now the last and final step was to calculate the solution. I’m not a fighter and I avoid hostile confrontations. This bully was not open to peaceful or authentic conversational type approaches so those had to get ruled out. Then it intuitively came to me. I realized that I could control my reactions instead. I decided the simple answer was to take a mental break in the moment, when I’m under attack. I needed to detach and softly focus on my breathing to disconnect from the situation.

Now it was time to take this carefully crafted solution to the test. 

During our very next interaction, I applied this method. I remembered to breathe and remove myself from the line of fire.

Lo-and-behold- it worked right away. I noticed that it threw off the bully. I watched them start to lose their steam. They started to waiver and even take on a more respectful tone towards me. Incredible to watch it all come together in action like that.

Big ‘AHA’ moment in my world! If only I’d figured it out sooner! Or at least known to go to my kid for advice a lot sooner apparently- Eh!? Go figure.  

Anyhow another big lesson out of all this was that I did not need to fight back or confront the bully head-on, or even walk away because those are not always options in all situations - right?  

Managing the bully took subtle changes in my physical reaction, breathing slowly to create calmness was enough. It allowed me to stop, to sit back and quietly observe that the bully creates unnecessary drama, which is not so much intimidating as just monotonous and rather ridiculous, like watching a little child throwing a tantrum for no reason.

So perhaps it is through our own eyes then that the bully can see themselves - because it becomes clear to the both of us that the bully holds no power!

STAY STRONG! YOU GOT THIS!

LEARNING- LIVING- LIFE- INSPIRED