Self-Acceptance!

Self-Acceptance! Sharing the most recent inspiration from my personal journey, hoping it helps someone else find themselves on their path too.

This one came at me like an unexpected storm on a bright sunny day! Totally catching me off guard!

You see- I pride myself...for better or worse....on being an open book....awkwardly so. Yet recently I realized that if you don't whole-heartedly accept who you truly are then how authentic can you really be!? Right!? BOOM! This was a huge realization for me!! 

BTW- What all goes into self-acceptance!? Is it related to self-love? Self-worth? Liking who you are as a person? About accepting your unique personality quirks? Is it about being gentle with your physical imperfections when looking into the mirror? Or is there more to it!? Geez! Until just a few days ago...I may have blabbered off responses theoretically but honestly what any of this really felt like...I couldn't possibly explain. So what if...deep down it has to do more with giving yourself permission to just be you...to not lose yourself in trying too hard to fit in someplace or with some person or people?....What if....it had to do with not pushing yourself to meet some idea of what you believe others need you to be.?....What if...it means...realizing that being different from others doesn't automatically mean you are wrong or any less valuable?... What if...it means...you need to get out of your own head....to begin to define 'you' for yourself!? Some people get here a lot sooner...but for others it's a life long process. For me...? Given a history of getting rejected by or separated from my loved ones through the years makes it trickier. 

So let me backtrack here...a few months ago I started a new job....with cool folks I really admire....so naturally I was all the more eager to please and fit in...BUT...I was trying too hard! Through a series of experiences however it started to catch up with me. I  made myself exhausted!!....You see- I got tired of trying to figure out what others wanted me to be and even tired of playing along my own ultra lame 'trying-to-be-non-intrusive' chameleon act....I even started to feel rather broken...Then again...I guess figuratively speaking I've been breaking off pieces of me inside constantly via endless efforts to not offend or intrude...as has always been my nature (...it turns out)...to conform, to change...and aim to please.

Well...just around now....in a perfectly timed vulnerable moment an intuitive new friend and colleague philosophically called me out on it- posing the question- 'So who is Anita?'- It had been one of those days...weeks!! I was feeling so run down!... Hmmm...like the Eminem song - 'Will the real slim shady please stand up!?'--YIKES!! I couldn't answer... let aside stand up!?  :-/

That was a Friday evening. When I finally got home I did something unconventional...for me...I drank an entire bottle of wine....(Yumm...but)...alone....and my night then got more interesting. A friend from three decades of separation reached out saying some kids from my past (now grown-ups obviously) were asking about me out of nowhere....so they added me to a mass-group-chat. I was separated from these kids over thirty years ago from India so most of us didn't remember each other. Group messages started avalanching in saying-'So who is Anita?'- Bizarre!! Kid-You-Not!! The Timing!!! It was obviously the theme of the day my drunken head rightfully registered! 'Anita!? Was she shy? Was she loud? Was she tall? Was she short? What was she like?' -The questions continued. What's more.....people started to post old black and white group photos asking 'where is she in these photos?'- WOW!!! Now vivid memories of a forgotten past in India started to emerge into my intoxicated head. It felt kinda surreal...just as there was a spark of recognition too I guess...as someone said 'Anita! Of course! The Math Genius!'- Wait!! I will stop here and detour again! 

You see -this made the very drunken grown up Anita start sobbing. It struck a chord! It touched upon some rather deep rooted issues...from that forgotten little ghost like Anita. Backtracking again- now let me explain- all through the years I had a very complex relationship with Math. Since early childhood I could  create new formulas that were not printed in any of the text books which baffled teachers and professors alike through school and university. I always effortlessly scored 100% in the subject...which is fantastic stuff right? Nope! It caused me much agony! My initial issues with it were minor like the more studious kids seemed resentful of my getting the top grades especially so easily so I felt badly about it...It did seem unfair! Then I struggled as some of my dearest loved ones so obviously and stubbornly dismissed all my grades and awards in it. My deepest issues however arose when I moved to the Middle East where it was really scorned upon by my new family for a girl to display intelligence in any way- especially in Math. This was when I officially decided to dummy myself down to appease the family. I was maybe ten back then. Years later when I moved to the US- even here in the land of dreams- I unfortunately found myself gravitating towards people....guys....with similar notions...that a girl shouldn't be good at Math. Done!

The 'Math genius' was then all but forgotten over the years....until here, out of nowhere, from my past.. on this night....when the first thing someone remembered about me again! 'Who is Anita!!?' HA! God-or-The Universe...has fantastic sense of humor and excellent sense of timing...Yup! I believe this! LOL!! It hit a chord for sure!!!

The crazy thing was that out of this I received my greatest inspirational message of the year! The answer I was finally ready to learn! It was suddenly so clear- even to my intoxicated head ....how the little Anita and the grown-up Anita still had a lot in common. I could see now how this deeply rooted need in me to please others and to quickly disown any or all of my core qualities in my efforts to be non-offensive or non-invasive...had actually landed me in many unhealthy relationships and bad situations over the years....and had eventually left me way too lost and broken to even know my true self....let aside to accept it. YIKES again!!!  

Self Acceptance! Sounds simple....but takes effort. That same night I also received a call from an ex. He wanted me to know how in his own odd ways maybe I was never rejected by him after all. That oddly themed energy flowed into the remainder of that weekend too. I landed up in a Kundalini intro-workshop where the messages again resonated crystal clear- Self-Acceptance!

(The kicker of all this was seeing that in allowing myself to be me....in the end...that was the key to making others also more comfortable with me. Go Figure!!).

Life is a blessing! Learning to live life inspired...that's my motto! When I come upon lessons this poignant...I'm inspired to share. After having spent most of my life in some bubble after another....I've finally learned the importance of being present....to enjoy the time gifted to me. I realize now that in the last five years I  have grown tremendously from finding my freedom and myself....to now learning also to accept and honor whom I am discovering within me. Grateful to the universe for it's fun and crafty teachings.

Thank you for reading and I hope this leaves you honestly answering for yourself similar reflective questions-'Who am I? Am I ok with being me? Can I find that harmonious balance...between being the best me without compromising all or most of me to get there?' 

As for me- my current mantra is (Feel free to use it!):

I promise daily to work on being true to the essence of me and honoring what I find within me! 

Wishing you the same! 

NAMASTE!! LOVE & PEACE!! 

FIND YOUR BLISS!! XO <3

Leap of Faith!

I had a few key defining moments that changed the course of my life completely! It always involved massive leaps of faith.

(Found on trendhunter.com. In love with this!!)

The first high impact one was when I was about eight years old. This I actually didn’t have a say in. My estranged mother who had lived away abroad through most of my childhood suddenly plucked me out of my life in India from family and friends to live with her in the Middle East. It was initially proposed as a summer vacation where I would have the opportunity to visit the country where she resided. She was a beautiful enigma I’d always fantasized living and sharing my life with so I was thrilled at the prospect initially but the vacation didn’t go quite as planned. Soon it became evident that I wasn’t going to be sent back home. Being separated unexpectedly and without proper goodbyes from everything and everyone I had ever known to live with new folks (albeit my biological mother and her husband in a foreign country) was terrifying to say the least.

The second dramatic one came when I was seventeen. This time I had a say in my fate! There were many high risk moving factors to contemplate over as my mother disclosed her intent and covert mission to help transport me away from my oppressive circumstances in the Middle East to the far off mystical world of the U.S.-of-A. I was given an opportunity to go off to university in New York City. It was complicated however. The stakes were incredibly high, the prospects were definitely dangerous and far more importantly I was at a crossroad- where I needed to choose to leave behind everything and everyone I knew to start over in a new country half way across the world all by myself once again. Not easy but I jumped in determined to take my chances for better or for worse!

(Found on Photo.net-The Dream!)

Ah! Choices! There were a few other big ones in my years to follow. At the age of twenty two with my heart, soul and logic all in complete and utter turmoil I struggled over another massive decision…this time it involved signing a marriage contract..... not under traditional circumstances.... and one that was to be kept secret from my friends and family. A secret that was eventually disclosed....still no simple step. Then another fourteen years later I made the even bigger call to escape out of that contract. I walked away strangely enough in a brand new place I’d never lived in before, all alone....in shock but clutching on gratefully to a new job offer in hand. I had no pieces to pick up….just a new life to begin from scratch again! That last fight was definitely the toughest in many ways but also the most rewarding.

In fact each of those grand shifts in my path presented their own challenges and rewards over the years and it is only now that I am finally able to understand and accept that there is no justification for regrets left inside me. It's all good!

So leaps of faith I’ve taken a few! Each one terrifying! Each one luckily landing me on solid ground one way or another….concluding that risks have eventually worked out in my favor regardless or so I believe!

With all this practice it baffles me however that I can still find myself clinging on to things or people that no longer serve me. Why? It always comes down to fear! In fact fear is the strongest obstacle to overcome in this lifetime it seems and the one hook that consistently keeps us from venturing off in search of our own true horizons….where our realities and our dreams can harmoniously collide into some deeper and more meaningful understanding of our existence I guess….umm…do you know what I mean? Lol! I do hope so! I am left pondering over this often!

(Found on artinspire.info)

Fear is a survival instinct and should be honored but it’s not like we live in jungles where wild animals pick us up for dinner randomly….as in our habitats and lifestyles have evolved but our basic survival instincts have those evolved with us too I am left wondering.…!?….How can you know for sure when exactly your survival instincts are working for you versus against you!?  

So here is the question- When you arrive at crossroads in life where a drastic decision is required of you….how do you decide if it’s time to take a leap of faith or not….knowing that the risks are too great but the rewards potentially greater? At the very core of our human experience this ability alone determines the true nature of our path…the ability to know when to jump, when to run, when to hold your ground, when just to be and when to be something so much more…. than you have ever already defined within yourself for yourself- Know what I mean? I have faith that the odds are always working in our favor. Risks can often bring great rewards- Right!? So perhaps it’s good to take a big leap of faith whenever it presents itself on our path- No?

Wishing everyone amazing experiences whether taking a leap of faith or not-Now and always!

Namaste!

(Found on theawakenedstate.tumblr.com)

#FREE YOURSELF! #FIND YOUR BLISS!

#NAMASTE!!

Life is short!

Life is short! Heard this for all my years but often pondered on the depth of that meaning aimlessly! One day we wake up to the truth that time is really the most irreplaceably fabulous gift granted to us.

I remember during childhood years countdowns to long awaited occasions inevitably felt like a lifetime; some days couldn’t pass fast enough while others flew by in the blink of an eye. In fact looking back now so much of the past is a blur to me yet so much more has remained almost tangibly vivid and timeless too. I can sometimes stop and watch my past years flashing before me like a silent movie and I’m left feeling nostalgic, overwhelmed and even sometimes detached from it…like a distant phantom spectator.

It’s only recently that the actual concepts of time and mortality are sinking in properly and deeply into my psyche….perhaps it’s a build up from losing loved ones, to compiled experiences of vulnerability, to becoming more aware of an increased sense of responsibility towards loved ones or even just from getting older I guess…but regardless there is this increasing sense of clarity on the subject. I’m left grappling over finding that delicate balance in accepting and letting go of what has run out of its course.…versus both treasuring and discovering new ways to best honor our precious finite moments here and now.   

Yesterday I decided to try out a new exercise…to free myself from me! I shut down my brain’s dialogues…to let go of who I choose to be and I allowed myself to just be…and gravitate towards anything or anyone without judgement (of self or others) or even to not allow in fear on any level….watching and wondering where that would lead and who would I be if I lived without expectations from myself or others…? I followed my day with my heart….not holding back. Yes-it turned out to be a good and insightful day!

It brought me to the conclusion that it’s necessary to have boundaries and a clear understanding of what I want and don’t want….but just as critical to keep re-evaluating my belief systems over the years.…..to update my take on things..to understand what truly matters in the end.  It’s important over the years I guess to rewrite and update your definition of all things including yourself without the baggage of yesterday's knowledge.

I once heard a great man say that we need to place ourselves in danger sometimes to discover the real magic within (I believe I got that message from one of my heroes’ Conrad Anker’s talk given that I understood the message correctly of course…? ;-) Lol!)….I guess sometimes this could mean skydiving out of a plane, or climbing a mountain, or whatever else….just finding new ways of pushing ourselves past all our comfort zones….and then again perhaps sometimes it could mean nothing more than to truly free ourselves from all inner fears and judgements, to follow our heart somewhere without questioning it….and then perhaps just maybe….with some luck…it could show us things truly grand and beautiful along the way. 

Cheers to choosing to live life fully and a bit dangerously too! Namaste! Love & Peace to ALL! XO

 

Upgrade or Settle!?

Recently I find myself pondering over just how much our overly commercialized culture here in the US pushes towards constant upgrades versus settlements. In fact the very word ‘settling’ carries so much baggage, social judgement and negative connotations already. I’m left wondering how much we’ve internalized this way of thinking and at what point does it define who we are as individuals even?

Window shopping is a way of life for us….keep looking and keep buying knowing you can get fully refunded if you change your mind-Right? & The choices are endless and tempting! After all who doesn’t want to keep believing there’s something bigger and better waiting for us just around the corner.…just there for the taking…the bigger house, the fancier car, the more satisfying job, the better lover…and even the better you! We’re seemingly always a few steps away from making it all a bit more perfect-No?

Regardless there is little need for commitments in our lives since so much is ok to return if we’re not 100% satisfied-Right? Culturally there is even the fall back option for suing when things don’t go as promised. Of course for me this begs the question that does this constant chase for something else leave us ever actually truly satisfied? When we get what we want do we stop to enjoy it or do we feel the anxiety buildup inside egging us to run away before feeling trapped or suffocated by the ‘great’ only to risk losing the ‘greater’ that is perhaps elsewhere waiting for our picking? 

During my travels to other countries and cultures sometimes this difference in folks around me is almost palpable; I have to say I see less of this need to keep the search constantly going. People seem to be actually ‘settling’…(Imagine that!)….for the beautiful house, the fancy ride or that amazing significant other and they seem thrilled and grateful to have gotten there. They don’t seem to feel the need to continue looking for more once they’ve reached their important goals and needs. They seem instead to nurture, grow and cherish on what they have already built….to make a home, to create a family, to strengthen their relationships with friends and neighbors; I see folks care for and truly relish on what they have accomplished. Is that such a terrible thing? 

Beyond just my speculation in the presence of such folks it’s hard not to enjoy a shared energy of happiness and contentment that they have mastered via settling….they seem to approach life in strides peacefully accepting the ups and downs also as part of their journey with the loving support of a strong network of loved ones around them that they have invested in mutually. Seems this definitely leaves them with more space within for something grander….to be present and to actually enjoy the moment they are in perhaps.

I realize that the rat race will always go on with or without us. Sometimes it totally makes sense to jump in and run with it, to find our place or mark in it too….but perhaps it’s also important to know when not to lose sight of the original goal within the mayhem-No!?

For me it took the sudden death of a parent to separate what matters from what’s just distractions along my path….for everyone else out there I send out prayers always to get us all there to what matters sooner and easier.

Find your Chi! Namaste! XO

Learning-Living-Life-Inspired! <3 XO :-)

About the Giving Tree

The Giving Tree. ....I read that book to my son a few years ago. It was my first time reading it. It left me disturbed when it was done. My son was very upset by it too.  It resonated so deeply for me because all my life I was taught in my upbringing to be just like that hopeless and naive tree always giving completely without holding back or ever complaining about it even as it’s being stripped away towards a seemingly bitter end and being totally cool with it. - But is that really what it means to be a good person!!? I no longer agree with it!!

I still believe that true happiness lies in giving and putting others ahead of me....but I've changed in the last few years and so has my perspective. I now believe in giving and getting respect, in setting healthy boundaries that allow me to grow while being the best I can be for myself and for others. I see clearly now that by being true to myself and taking care of me I actually have more to give back after all.

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in situations or around people who are toxic for us. These are people who will attack us even for our finest core qualities, belittling us and clouding our better judgement. I've been there too often in life not realizing it's OK to acknowledge my own needs and feelings since I was too preoccupied with pleasing others and fearing rejection from the masses. You see being the people pleaser I am by nature and nurture this left me in my past much like that giving tree too often too broken and too stumped with nothing left to offer anyone. No not me no more!!

I have learned since to stand up for me and to not justify those who cause me harm whether their behavior results from obvious ill will or from careless oblivious intentions. You see I no longer do things to be a people pleaser; I now do things for people because it pleases me to do so. In caring for myself I have learned the art of better caring for others. I honor the spaces in me that demand untangling from hurt and chaos.

I am grateful that I have learned to give and operate within healthy boundaries and even more grateful to benefit from the fruits of this priceless understanding already. I wish someone had told me this earlier on my journey but then again it’s never too late to learn the great lessons. I pray for others to learn this much faster and easier than I did. Respect yourself! Be true to you!

Namaste!! Love, Peace and Light to ALL. XO <3

Life and Love!

Yes I am daring to share thoughts…my work-in-progress, still-in-process, newly-forming- infancy-stage …thoughts on these two biggest subjects we encounter in our universe during this lifetime…even kind of piecing them together! Lol! After-all…. ‘learning-living-life-inspired’….is to share what I learn and what I am still learning - See!?

Life! Took me way too long to see that it was never meant to be painful and difficult but that it is a gift- a truly precious and wonderful gift! As infants we start off with such great attitude… non-judgmental, without-expectations and easily in-awe of most things….then come the years and with those the experiences…which build diverse looking invisible walls all around us.…turning us into these uniquely designed magnificent works of art I guess….as if each one of us is made for and left demanding to be appreciated, understood and decoded all over again somehow….Right?

How to describe Life!? I remember learning Latin in university and reading ‘Cena Trimalchionis’ in this ancient fantastic language…translating this entire chapter which is dedicated to describing an outrageous, extravagant, lavish, opulent and insane feast that this dude throws for his guests- Right? It is such a huge chapter that it can easily present itself as a small novel all by itself…it’s the only book I know of that spends that much time indulging in such grandiose details about the food displayed and the entertainment offerings at a party. Put it this way: it easily makes the infamous Great Gatsby's parties sound like a trip to McDonald’s! What if we could describe life as such a feast….it would turn out I imagine more dramatic than Dante’s Inferno, more ostentatious and grotesque than Trimalchio’s feast, and definitely more creative than the description of heaven by all accounts of religious and philosophical books’ put together even…and still we would probably fall short in describing it somehow!! Life is this crazy cool phenomenal party.….Think about it....if you’re too shy you will miss out, if you’re too loud it may work against you….Important to have fun, but also to be careful….Eat the wrong things and it may make you sick…eat too much and you will regret it….drink too much and Oh Man! Who knows where that will take you…Life! It is a celebration and learning to balance yourself through it is no easy feat! Naturally!!

So here is an epiphany I had today.….and it’s about Love! What if Love too is just like Life! Not only to be celebrated but more importantly that perhaps it is never meant to be anything less than AMAZING too!!? For me in the past it’s always been a complex negative subject you see.…always so troubled and often leaving me at such a loss….a subject that felt painfully lacking in my story in general…and even now feels like a total stranger to me oddly….given the years I have lived I suppose; ‘Lacking!?’….I could say mostly in the romantic department….but in fact it really runs deeper and older than that if you know what I mean. So Love! What if we could write a book to describe it too…I guess it would be potentially even more colorful and overwhelming than our description of life…perhaps!? I imagine this book would be truly GRAND!!! I remember once writing about kisses; I was so young and I said ‘I could write an entire bible on his kisses... dedicating each chapter to the nature of each touch’…..and that is how I had felt just about kisses….so what about Love!?

Recently I came to the following realization: I came to understand that those who contributed most profoundly towards my feeling so lacking in love….had actually in their own ways done their best for me always.…even when I just couldn't see it…..and in seeing this I found my peace with it….I can actually feel myself settling quietly inside.….as an ocean settles it’s tides after a terrifying storm…..finding peace….it’s a great thing getting here!

Had to share it! This new idea that popped up today! If Life is meant to be amazing then Love too is perhaps meant to be amazing! Not conflicted or dark or wrong...(another story for another day)…or suffocating and controlling...(perhaps yet another story for another day too...Lol!)…but I am starting to sense it....that Love is….when we are ready to let it in…totally clear and beautiful….I suddenly see that similar to Life…perhaps also with Love I have been just going about it all wrong! You know what I mean!?

Learning-Living-Life-Inspired's message today is: For those lucky ones amongst us who found that special someone to share their love with-Absolutely celebrate it! Bask away in all its glory! & For those of us still fumbling our way towards Love- hang on tight! When we find the 'one' it will be more than worth it! It’s going to be magically AMAZING too! I believe now!!

That's Me!! Learning-Living-Life-Inspired! NAMASTE!! <3

Mirrors!!

Photo by: Julie De Waroquier (i.e. a lucky web surfing run in)

I haven’t been writing as much recently. Not because of lack of inspiration but that my reaction to this life and the world around me often leaves me in such a deep state of awe that it’s almost too much to process and put into words. Life! What an enchanting journey! What a truly incredibly beautiful blessing! So often taken so for granted! We operate with such small perspectives….but maybe that is the true magic of it all.....perhaps much like newborns, knowing nothing, we spend all of our lives in a state of grand discovery…..we laugh and we cry.…with each step we take we begin to trust in ourselves… learning to walk and then to dance…to love and then to be free….all the while discovering everything that’s amazing around us….and all done in so many cute and clumsy small steps and profound doses.

Recently I remembered a moment from my past and unimaginably so it hasn't even been five years since…..but it seems like another life time ago at least....I remembered a ghost of my own past at the end of a tight rope.….so completely broken and defeated, lying on the floor, bawling her eyes out in utter despair, her head was so dark and so lost as she wished she had never existed...hating her life…and she felt engulfed in pain, hatred and fear….she had no voice inside her to help her fight back… she hadn’t realized yet that the prison around her had become too weak to hold her in….she had been there so long she had stopped even trying…you see? I remembered this wish in her heart in that bleak moment wanting only for everything to end. Did I know then that it would be the last time in my life I would ever feel that way!!? I was about to change everything! The ghost of my past was about to break all the shackles that held her there!

That moment on this journey in retrospect was significant as some moments just are- more so than others! That memory for me now felt sad and odd!... Odd….because I couldn't relate to that person at all… Sad…..because I felt a powerful urge to reach back into the past, to lift up this woman who was so spiritually broken and wrecked on the floor and share with her the ultimate secret!

I wanted to tell her ‘My poor dear!  You are going about it all wrong! Life was never intended to be like that! Life is meant to be amazing!  You have no idea! You are meant to grow and build your spirit….you are meant to open your eyes and your heart to discover the magic all around you! Live-learn-love life! SEE all the wonderful people who exist around you.….because when you’re ready to look every one of them will hold up a bright and colorful lantern to light up your path and they will encouragingly smile as you pass through….into this enchanted time and space given to you. I wanted to tell her to never forget that life is a journey of discovery of all that’s unspeakably grand and beautiful! I wanted to tell her ‘Oh Man! You are going to love this ride! Just hold tight!!’

My blog doesn't share my entire story….which one day it just might….but when I started it I wished to share, as I still do, the simplest and grandest messages I have learned that have changed everything for me! We all have moments that may seem bleak and that’s when it’s most important to remember….every person you meet, knowingly or unknowingly, holds a lantern to help you pass, or lends a hand to guide you, or places a stepping stone before you…..when we are ready to look we will find mirrors in every stranger’s eyes. Don’t forget to look and don’t forget there is no prison your spirit cannot break through!

Learning-Living-Life- Inspired’s message today is: Smile for the people around you! & Enjoy your specially designed enchanted ride….whatever you do…..don’t close your eyes and miss the magic!!!! NAMASTE!!

P.S. I like this quote from Carl Jung: The unconscious is not just evil by nature, it is also the source of the highest good: not only dark but also light, not only bestial, semi-human, and demonic but superhuman, spiritual, and, in the classical sense of the word, "divine."